Blogging has been on my mind and I have not had time to actually do it. Well, here I am today.
I've been wrestling with Mondo Beyondo stuff. Mondo Beyondo is really a simple class. You get something new to read everyday, sometimes you get a little "assignment." It seems easy. But it's really not. Facing things about myself that I really want, yet don't yet have, can be scary, daunting and frustrating. I keep coming back to this phrase in my mind...."everything I want, who I really want to be....it's just on the other side of myself." It's not like I want to be a different person, I just want to be who I really am. It's tiring to not be myself. I think I am mostly true to myself, but the times I'm not--they are tiring, exhausting, toxic times.
I realize, too, that when I posted my list on my blog, I revised a few things because they seemed too silly--which is funny because Mondo Beyondo is essentially about being outrageous with our dreams. I also left things out because I felt too vulnerable, too exposed.
Here is what I revised:
When I said that I want to get a camera, preferably a Canon EOS Rebel XTi, I really wrote, "be given a Canon EOS Rebel XTi"
I felt selfish posting that. Outrageous. But you know what, that was one of my Mondo Beyondos.
Another thing I didn't post publicly--I have had ongoing "female" related issues. I want them gone. I want to feel healthy. I want to enjoy my body. Be in my body. Be healthy, fully alive. I want to never, ever have a damn YI again. Oh, and I want a healthy cervix, which I think it is--have a pap tomorrow. I want a healthy uterus. I want to become pregnant, have my cervix stay closed for nine months, and I want it to open and I want to give birth naturally to a healthy baby. I really, really want that. I don't want another miscarriage. I feel adamant about that, and I kind of shoved that in on the bottom of my list, when it really is entirely important.
Something left off my list: I want kind, quiet neighbors. Our neighbors have been causing us strife for the last year. The police are there many times, there are major domestic issues, yelling, screaming--horrible energy to have coming into our home. I really, really, want kind, quiet, non-toxic neighbors. I feel so powerless to this situation, that I realized I left it off my list. I want to not feel at our neighbors mercy, I want to not feel powerless to them harassing us.
Something BIG I think I left out of my list: I want to go to an art retreat like SQUAM, or JournalFest. I want to meet other supportive artists. I want genuine support. I am making a little dent toward that--I am going to a workshop in June with Kelly Kendrick. Yay!
What in your life needs to be revised? What do you really want? What do you continually, even unconsciously, talk yourself out of doing/saying/expressing/being?