Gus, my best friend. He survived the dismantling with me.
I'd been warned about dismantling. To dismantle: 1 : to take to pieces; also : to destroy the integrity or functioning of 2 : to strip of dress or covering.
Yep. That's what has happened in my life. I put all my dreams out there. I was ready for harvesting. Instead, I got dismantled by the universe. I'm not angry anymore, well, not really totally angry ;) I actually see that in order to have anything I really want, things in my career life and in my most personal relationships had to be different. A month ago, I was traumatized by what unfolded before my eyes. I'm still recovering from that. But a month ago you could not have told me that anything good would come from what happened. However, I feel completely open, vulnerable, more real and more human than I've ever felt in my life. I feel like I'm surrendering to god, the universe, the divine, whatever word you want to use.
2010 has started off as being the year for surrendering. I have had to surrender myself to something bigger than myself and my desires. It's painful. Extremely painful. I have had to put some of my most urgent desires on hold. Yet I know the universe is conspiring for me. I feel like the lessons I am learning will only make me more whole, more authentic, or as Brene Brownwould say, wholehearted.
With surrendering comes a bunch of loss. Loss of the "ideal" of things or the idea of the way I thought things should be. However, I even see in that--that the reality of things is the only way things can ever be. More and more I see how ideals or images of perfection--the perfect body, the perfect pregnancy, the perfect marriage, the perfect relationship-- simply do not exist. I've known this all before but feel at a deeper level now. We live in a world where, as Brene Brown again would say, "perfection is commodified." Facebook is the epitome of that, I think. Yes, I know good things happen on facebook, but it just seems to be another venue where people are largely inauthentic and it makes me feel claustrophobic and irritated. Well, that might be not all true. Some people are very authentic, but the whole facebook experience was making me feel more shame and comparison to others, so I set a boundary and quit that, too. I keep in touch with the people I really care about so I felt I didn't need that.
One tough part of this transformation process is the change in relationships. I'm facing that in my most significant relationship, but I have hope because my partner is maybe for the first time in his life--exploring his authentic and true self. As painful as the process has unfolded, I know that he will be more whole through this. And I will, too, no matter what happens. In having to face my worst fears about people and their capabilities, I am learning to accept the reality of things, and face my own uncomfortable feelings and work through them authentically rather than self-medicating, distracting myself or being in denial about life.
Other relationships are suffering though. I am simply unable to surround myself with people who are in denial about the reality of their own life or addictions or ways of deflecting reality. It's really hard to deal with life. However, I feel like I'm not really living if I don't accept and live out exactly what's happening. It's so easy to distract, to push things under the rug, to hide, and to tell stories to ourselves and others that simply are not true.
So, I was cursing you a month ago, universe, and giving you the finger big time. But today, right now, I'm relishing in gratitude. I'm thankful for the lessons I'm learning and the support I'm getting by just being real and putting it out there.