Gus, my best friend. He survived the dismantling with me.

I'd been warned about dismantling. To dismantle: 1 : to take to pieces; also : to destroy the integrity or functioning of 2 : to strip of dress or covering.

Yep. That's what has happened in my life. I put all my dreams out there. I was ready for harvesting. Instead, I got dismantled by the universe. I'm not angry anymore, well, not really totally angry ;) I actually see that in order to have anything I really want, things in my career life and in my most personal relationships had to be different. A month ago, I was traumatized by what unfolded before my eyes. I'm still recovering from that. But a month ago you could not have told me that anything good would come from what happened. However, I feel completely open, vulnerable, more real and more human than I've ever felt in my life. I feel like I'm surrendering to god, the universe, the divine, whatever word you want to use.

2010 has started off as being the year for surrendering. I have had to surrender myself to something bigger than myself and my desires. It's painful. Extremely painful. I have had to put some of my most urgent desires on hold. Yet I know the universe is conspiring for me. I feel like the lessons I am learning will only make me more whole, more authentic, or as Brene Brownwould say, wholehearted.

With surrendering comes a bunch of loss. Loss of the "ideal" of things or the idea of the way I thought things should be. However, I even see in that--that the reality of things is the only way things can ever be. More and more I see how ideals or images of perfection--the perfect body, the perfect pregnancy, the perfect marriage, the perfect relationship-- simply do not exist. I've known this all before but feel at a deeper level now. We live in a world where, as Brene Brown again would say, "perfection is commodified." Facebook is the epitome of that, I think. Yes, I know good things happen on facebook, but it just seems to be another venue where people are largely inauthentic and it makes me feel claustrophobic and irritated. Well, that might be not all true. Some people are very authentic, but the whole facebook experience was making me feel more shame and comparison to others, so I set a boundary and quit that, too. I keep in touch with the people I really care about so I felt I didn't need that.

One tough part of this transformation process is the change in relationships. I'm facing that in my most significant relationship, but I have hope because my partner is maybe for the first time in his life--exploring his authentic and true self. As painful as the process has unfolded, I know that he will be more whole through this. And I will, too, no matter what happens. In having to face my worst fears about people and their capabilities, I am learning to accept the reality of things, and face my own uncomfortable feelings and work through them authentically rather than self-medicating, distracting myself or being in denial about life.

Other relationships are suffering though. I am simply unable to surround myself with people who are in denial about the reality of their own life or addictions or ways of deflecting reality. It's really hard to deal with life. However, I feel like I'm not really living if I don't accept and live out exactly what's happening. It's so easy to distract, to push things under the rug, to hide, and to tell stories to ourselves and others that simply are not true.

So, I was cursing you a month ago, universe, and giving you the finger big time. But today, right now, I'm relishing in gratitude. I'm thankful for the lessons I'm learning and the support I'm getting by just being real and putting it out there.


  1. Dear Amy-I admire your courage to be vulnerable. It is difficult (harder for some). I sense that you are deeply sensitive, very intelligent and have a huge heart (am I right?). Trusting in the Universe seems difficult at first but (for me) looking back at my life-even in the darkest moments...I now know that something greater was being forged. we may not know what or why or...but the trusting is the important thing. I wonder if you have read Caroline Myss-when I first read her stuff, I seriously though she was on crack! But when i was ready...she resonated with me. Hang in there-you are a strong and courageous spirit:)

  2. Also-yes, dismantling is difficult. Becoming healthy gets rid of our old life and a lot of the (unhealthy) people in it. It is a difficult process but necessary so we don't stagnate...so we can grow and bloom and thrive as we are meant to:)

  3. I was meant to read this post. Thank you for writing it.

  4. Amy, I love your writing. I ache for you as I read your words...I can hear your voice speaking. You are really a teacher, a blossoming spirit. I also thank you for writing this...I agree. FB and just sometimes life's interactions lead to that in-authenticity, and you're right, really the only way to battle that, to stay true and clear and real is to surrender. To rise above the falsities, the need to appear perfect and normal. I love the gifts that come from vulnerability, surrender, pain and loss...although I never wish pain and loss on anyone or especially those I love. Keeping you in my prayers...I am so proud of you! Love you!!

  5. Just want to see if this comes through-my previous comment didn't:(

  6. Dear Amy_i wrote a really long comment but, for some reason, it disappeared! About wwrww-it is the most amazing book-seriously. I was lucky enough to come across it when it was first published-I was 22-23 and I have read it many, many times since. Estes seamlessly blends the classical tradition of storytelling with Jungian psychology. She is an amazing poet, teacher, healer. You just can't go wrong with this book.
    Caroline Myss has mixed reviews. Some of the comments re her on Amazon are pretty harsh. But I have never experienced her in that way. She is brutally honest-her words and thought processes. But she makes sense. She talk s a lot about archetypal energies, self esteem, surrender, life's work etc. For ex. a woman who marries for money is engaged in the prostitute archetype and all that entails. She is also on audio tape-I listen to her while I paint. Maybe you can see if you can get a few of her works from the public library-to see if she resonates with you. Let me know how it goes.
    I totally agree with you about FB. I still have a profile up but only so I can have a page on my art. I stopped posting there along time ago. It's strange-but it seems as if people who have "known" me forever (friends, relatives) don't really know me at all but people who visit my blog-DO know me. On my blog I can be who I am -without parameters and boxes. ...well, hang in there sweet girl:)
    P.S. thanks for the kind comments you left on my blog